My life
What's happened?

Thursday, October 19, 2006

5:42 PM

The UrBaN MoNk

"There was once a god...and a man. The god placed the man on a mound of dirt to enjoy the scenery, feel the breeze, experience the uplifting sensations. And then the god stepped on the man. The mound was no more. The man did not die. Then the god picked up the man between his last finger and thumb and put him on a small hill. The man enjoyed the scenery, felt the breeze, experiened the uplifting sensations. And then the god stepped on the man again. The hill was no more. Still the man did not die, for the god had given him a spirit that could endure the pain, that knew that the pain made him stronger. And he thanked the god for it. But though he somehow made it through each time, the pain grew exponentially, as each time he was stepped on, the man realised he was trapped in a limbo, to have what he desired snatched away before his very eyes, and then to be crushed into the dirt. Gradually his heart turned to stone, so it was no longer affected by the god, but before its last beating remnants hardened, it shed a tear, one single tiny tear..."

Haha I'm not feeling sad about IT anymore, just anger as usual, anger at the unfairness, well it's probably fair in a way, I've got a loving family, cool friends, food, a nice house, average looks (I think...I dunno...my perceptions are warped), a body and many talents given by God. I couldn't ask for more, but as a greedy disgusting human like the rest of the world's population, I desire more. Remember scarcity in Economics? Unlimited human wants...yup that's it. Still...although I may control my destiny, fate dictates my path. Not much I can do at this point of time except what I want to do!!! Arghhh...it hurts again...

5:40 PM

Haiz recieved another shitty piece of news yesterday, all that effort and patience gone to waste. Sunk cause I should say, well it wasn't exactly painful, sad yes, because it's a looped repeated cycle of what's happened to me lets say....my whole life? I don't know what's wrong...is it me? Haha even if it is, F*** you!!! (: I don't give a shit. Ah well...if it is not meant to be then it is not meant to be. No use forcing stuff, the more you compress something the bigger the explosion. Anyway, as this painful demonstration showed, patience can be a real useless bastard at time, 6 whole F***ing months down the drain, 6 months of waiting, and another guy comes waltzing in and VOILA!!! Haha I blame neither of them though, tis' not their fault, it's just my tough luck. Still fate can be such F***er sometimes. Aphrodite's curse I suppose, but it is also a gift from God, blow after blow that I've recieved has made me stronger, the pain isn't as great anymore, and it is somewhat enjoyable even. Truth to be told i'm somewhat relieved, that kind of commitment may probably have been to taxing for me, judging from her character. I now have the freedom to do what I wish, no matter false fronts, no more having to "tone down", and I can style my hair without worries!! I can also focus on training myself now, for dance, body and mind, putting all that anger, injustice, discontentment, disappointment and sadness to good use. Haha for those of you reading this blog who think well this guy is a loser, he's trying to console himself. Hahahaha F*** you!!! If you don't like reading this blog go watch porn or something. Aaaah much better, all that pent-up emotion has been let out, blogging really is useful!! Haha I shall end off with a shitty quote I came up with. "If life kicks dirt into your face, eat it and get full". Btw if you realised the date is wrong, I actually meant to publish this the day before, but blogger's server was down.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

7:47 PM

Haha, haven't blogged for a long long time...so sue me -.-. Haha, the feeling's over, just a momentary feeling of admiration i guess. It's all over now anyway. Majorly screwed up promos, don't know if I can even promote, at first I felt it was kind of okay, it might even have been for the best. But now it seems a scary notion, I want to promote with my friends. Ah well, no use hoping I guess, I'll just have to do my best to appeal. But I do so want to promote...): Hmmm my current emotional condition? Apart from being seriously stressed because prom still needs loads more sponsors, it's this girl ( -.- what other reason could there be?) Hmmm...she agreed to go out with me, but i don't know it's if she is actually interested or is it out of pity? I don't know ): it feels like I've been bugging her since April, because I'm always the one to initiate converstations and stuff, but it's so irritating when someone is as passive as her. I just don't get it with Singaporean girls, must they always keep mum no matter what? Must they leave everything to the guy? Can't they take SOME initiative. I mean...I get it when they say too much initiative turns people off, but none at all? Ridiculous! I really feel it is out of pity or probably because she's given in that she's agreed to go out. I hate such situations. I would rather just pretend nothing happened at all than to be in something so one-sided. I hate forcing people. I hate being led on a leash and most of all I hate having my feelings played with, which to some extent is happening right now. Why can't she just make it clear cut? Yes? No? More time? My side? Well I am interested but don't exactly like her. The infuriating thing is, it is like history repeating itself over and over again. Either she goes away or I get played. Nothing ever works out. Well some good stuff has come out of it, I used to feel that all I needed was that one person close to me to cure my loneliness. But because of that lonely feeling I realise how many friends I have by my side, and I hold them dear for that reason, (in no order of importance(: ) zhi ming, jun yu, daphne, gui rong, tian cheng, shuonan, yenni, bobby, chris, hong yi and all the others! You know who you are (: and kudos to those for guessing who's not in my list (; Anyway, I've taken a vow, for my academics and personal growth, not to get involved in such stuff again, as in not go around taking the complete initiative. It's too draining. I may initiate, but for the most part I'll just reciprocate. Blame me for being too naive and expecting certain reactions from the other party but f#%* you. I'm not psychic you know, how am I supposed to understand your "subtle" hints if you give me too few or none at all? I just wanna scream the F word in your face you know that? For all the guessing you made me do and all the pain you caused me. I will steel my heart...I already have, but all is not lost, I just need hope, a sms, a card, wadeva. I can go on and on about how I feel but I'll just be repeating myself again.

Hmmm I'm listening to Jay Chou now, guess the song -.- It's really such a beautiful song. Suspenseful yet elegant. Speaking of which, I'm really enjoying being a dance i/c. Apart from all the parts about keeping tradition. What I really found gratifying on MAF night was to look behind me and see the whole crowd dancing along and having fun, being happy in general. It makes me happy to see them enjoying themselves. Haha and I discovered things about my body I never knew before learning to dance, unlocked certain abilities you would say. It's made dancing a whole lot more enjoyable and appreciating dance almost gives me as much satisfaction as beautiful music. The job rocks! Totally! It also gives me a chance to listen to others comments, which I really appreciate. You can never get enough constructive comments about yourself.

Going to end soon you bored reader (: Haha, anyway I think MAF was brilliant, a uber fantastico piece of art, absolutely stunning. Watching the people's faces light up during grand light-up (Ha see i made a pun! I know...lame -.-) made all the hard work and effort worthwhile even if it was only for 2 hours. Okay... I'll stop here for today! Dinner time! Smells good yummydoo!